Pivotal Choices Coaching

Taking Small Steps toward Responsibility to Gain Acknowledgment

While working with my career coaching clients, I’ve heard the same words being spoken by people who are in very different settings. . . . Low-person on the totem pole. . . . .Lack of acknowledgment by the supervisor. . . .Manipulation/ emotional abuse/ unethical actions. . . .

Let me describe the situations of three people in very different settings whose experiences have striking parallels.

The three people, though in very different settings, have similar predicaments—their talents are going unrecognized. 

Jim is a young man working with a research group.  He’s finishing his dissertation and has been with the group only a few months, while the other 3 people have been in the group for some time.  Jim is bright, ambitious, and frustrated.  He doesn’t think the others on the group recognize his talents in research and writing, and furthermore he thinks the others in the group have made some mistakes that may cost the group time and perhaps prestige. 

Another of my clients, June, is a middle-aged woman who feels that she is not being acknowledged adequately in her place of work.  She works in a small company but finds that her talents are frequently ignored.  She call herself a potted plant—people look through her, never thinking of including her in any of the more interesting projects.

The 3rd person, Joy, is a thoughtful person, a good writer, and also very analytic. Her company is quite large, and the division where she works is fast-paced and demanding.  Joy recently was on sick leave, but before she took sick leave she was on the track for promotion.  Part of the reason that a promotion appeared to be in her future was because the supervisor appeared to be impressed with Joy’s work.  And Joy had a good attitude, worked hard, and made a point of being a team player, both in terms of  working well with her colleagues and also in working well with her supervisor.

When Joy took sick leave, the supervisor did not seem to realize that Joy would be out for some time and that Joy did not have a choice.  When Joy returned to the office, it appeared that the supervisor begrudged Joy the time away and was going to make her pay for being out of the office.  Joy was bowled over at the unfairness of the unexpected turn of events. 

All three people seem dismayed, but only two are disgruntled- Jim and June.  Both Jim and June seem to think that they are entitled to a higher position by virtue of their being bright.  However, neither has used their intuition or social intelligence to improve communication or to show what they could add to the group.  Both may be low person on the totem pole in their particular group, but they could make things more equal by stepping out of their isolation to communicate more, to contribute more, and to recognize the gifts of others in their group.

Joy, on the other hand, has been dealt a raw deal.  She has choices, but it appears that her supervisor is holding a grudge and Joy may be right not to trust her.  If Joy has other reasons for staying in her current position and if she can work hard and well and avoid becoming disgruntled, she may eventually win the supervisor over.  Or the supervisor may move or be removed.  Joy seems to have the strength of character to work through the difficult situation. 

What has been striking to me is that the person whose situation is truly unfair seems to be bravely rising to the occasion.  She has grace as well as courage.  She continues to look for ways to contribute to the group and does not gossip about the unfair situation she found upon returning from sick leave.

Joy needs my support, but Jim and June need to be challenged. 

I am challenging Jim and June to make small steps toward assuming more responsibility for their situations. 

Until they emerge from entitlement and do whatever needs to be done, they will remain unhappy and unfulfilled.

I have faith… Potted Plans can bloom.

If you would like to share your story with me, I’d love to hear from you..

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“Not Another Day! I Can’t Take This, I Can’t Take This Anymore!”

The ad begins:  [Squawk, Squawk] “Not another day, not another day!  I can’t take this, I can’t take this anymore!”

We see the parrot, and then a man opens the door, agitatedly pulling at his clothing and saying, “Not another day! I can’t take this anymore.”

Point taken—he’s been saying this so frequently that his parrot knows the refrain well.

Do you identify with the words and the frequency of repetition?

Some people who can’t take their work are bored, wanting to do something different, while others are beyond boredom.  Anger and anxiety have set in.

Because we fear making a change or believe we have no choice, we stick with the job.

If you continue to work month after month, year after year, at a job where, day in day out, you approach the work with anger or anxiety, your body will show the strain. 

Headaches, vomiting, insomnia, all are ways your body is saying Enough!

Do you dismiss the signs from your body?  Your long-term health can be damaged by chronic anger and anxiety.

If you have taught for years or been an administrator or been an executive assistant and more and more you are saying, "I can’t take this any more," then it’s time to look around.

Don’t quit your day job quite yet.  But look around. 

What is one small step you could take?  Give yourself permission today just to entertain the idea that your life could be different.

Six Steps that Will Kick-Start a Tired, Stalled Project

The other day a caller asked if I had ever coached someone who had become stalled on a house renovation project.  My answer was no, but what came to mind was how similar all big projects are.   How difficult it can be to keep going.  How crushing the project can become. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Let’s say it was you who started the renovation project. You envisioned the changes you were going to make.  You put together a plan to accomplish those changes.

And you took on this project in part because of what you wanted to prove to yourself.

Following through on such a commitment takes courage and resilience.  I’ve seen someone with these qualities accomplish an amazing home renovation project.  The husband of one of my nieces almost single-handedly built a large room onto their house.  He’s an accomplished man, but he’s not a carpenter, nor is he an architect.  Nevertheless, over many months, the structure came together, and it’s a lovely addition to their home.

Completing such a project must be more than satisfying.  I would guess that the end feeling would be relief coupled with enormous joy in the accomplishment.

But if the renovation project is yours and if you’re stuck, re-starting takes courage and a willingness to look with new eyes at what this project will require from you.

Here are the Six Steps you have to take:

1.  You need a plan, the more detailed the better.  Without a plan, you probably won’t succeed.

2.  Make realistic, manageable goals each and every day or work session.

3.  When you accomplish the day’s goal, stop for the day—you don’t keep going.  Stopping when you’ve reached a realistic goal gives you the strength to come back another day.  If you go beyond the realistic goal, you make it much harder to return to the project.

4.  After you quit for the day, acknowledge yourself for the courage it took for you to take on this whole project, as well as for what you have accomplished that day.

5.  And give yourself permission to feel joy in meeting the challenge. 

6.  Draw on that feeling of renewed courage and the surge of joy to start your work another day.

Embarrassment, discouragement, and shame are likely to accompany getting stuck on a home renovation or building project.  Having one’s failure on public display can be brutal.  But the dread of being found out when a failure isn’t so visible is also hard to bear. 

Life’s too short to live in dread or shame.  You have a choice.  I say get started on that detailed plan . . . and then get to work!

Getting Out of My Own Way with One Small Step

A small step, one that you’ve overlooked or maybe just didn’t want to see, may be pivotal in making a change for the good.

Ever since we had some of our upstairs floors re-done, our basement has been overflowing with boxes of books, clothes, and odd accumulations that we had moved out of the way of the workers.

These boxes joined all of the other items from the past that had found their way to our basement.

I’ve wanted to rid the basement of much of this stuff and could imagine the area with only the essentials—the ping pong table, the couch, the bookshelves, the treadmill. 

But the reality has been that I’m hesitant to throw much of anything away , from my kids' elementary-school board games to their high school notebooks.

Today when I asked myself where could I take one easy first step, I knew what I hadn't wanted to see.  At issue were not my kids' things.  Nearly blocking the path into the basement are boxes filled with drafts from one of my long-ago writing projects, replete with Xeroxed copies of relevant and irrelevant articles.  What would it take to pull those boxes out to the street for the garbage collector?  Very little. 

So what has been stopping me from doing this before?  I suppose I have been thinking I would get to work on publishing something based on one of these drafts, but I don't need this physical reminder of unfinished business. It’s time to take this one small step to see where it leads me.

Meaningful Work, Pleasure, Loved Ones Make for the Happier Life

Some people put up with work that leaves little time for family or other meaningful pursuits outside of work.  When they think of leaving, the “Yeah, but” chatter starts up in their minds—“I should be happy that I have a job that pays well…Our family expenses are so great that I don’t have a choice.”

People who now call themselves “recovering lawyers” might have formerly been part of a group that Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Happier, labels the “rat racer.” 
 
He says that the "rat racer’s tension stems from the need to feel control over the future."
(“What if I don’t get a promotion?  What if I can’t afford the mortgage on my new house?”)

Many of the self-described recovering lawyers that I know are women. They had started to question their goals.

To find a balance in their lives and to enjoy the present, they made a choice.  They decided that they wanted a present that was more proportional.  For some of them, that meant a life that included their families as well as work.

Ben–Shahar says the happier life includes pleasure and meaning, spending time with our loved ones, and learning or being engaged in work.  Too often, he says, we sacrifice something that is essential to our happiness.

What is Happiness?  He says “when we experience something as personally significant and when we enjoy doing it is when we’re at our happiest.”